It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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