When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
jump out the window naked night went bad
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