can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
