Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
