I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
