In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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