Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
