I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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