she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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