Old men and throwing up are my life now.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
