1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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