He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have fence marks all over my body
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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