They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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