Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i believe in u and ur pee
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
