I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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