I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How's work?
Spinning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
