you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
