Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
