Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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