My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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