I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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