these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I forget how to act sober
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
