Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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