I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
