his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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