i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
