she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
