You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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