Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
