thus making me awesome and them whores
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
