awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
