U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I've blown a few things in my day
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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