I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
