UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
