Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
