i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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