Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
