found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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