Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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