your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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