i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
