Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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