I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
