Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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