Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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