I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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