SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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