Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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