My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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