Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
