My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
