I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
