So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
