I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
