They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
