Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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