Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I want to make a zoo with you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
