I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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